An open letter to everyone who asks if I’ll get married soon

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No.

No, I will not be getting married soon.

It’s wedding season again (has anyone noticed that wedding season is slowly turning into a 365 day season?) and the inevitable question arises of “oh you’ve been with Boyfriend for a while now..are you guys thinking about taking the next step?”

Let me tell you something. The next step for me and Boyfriend means we actually send things to get dry cleaned instead of looking at the tag a couple times, hesitantly putting it in the washer, and hoping for the best. Bonus points when we call one of the mothers for confirmation.

I know I’ve already done a post about marriage and no, it’s not because I’m bitter. It’s because I have enough self awareness to know that I would make a terrible wife and mother.

Anyone who asks me if I’ll be getting married soon should just spend a day with me. Actually, probably 3-4 hours will be enough time for them to realize that I am unsafe at any speed. I am one step above having to wear a helmet when I go outside sometimes.

For those of you who are curious, let me take you on an adventure of the first 3 hours of my average week day:

Morning:

See Katie sleep. See Katie’s phone alarm go off for 10 minutes straight at the loudest volume. (To the point where neighbors have complained about said alarm). See Katie roll over and blindly smack at alarm until snooze button has been touched. See Katie go back into a coma. See Katie’s phone alarm go off again 9 minutes later and watch as the reaching blindly for phone turns into Katie cracking an eye open, realizing just how late she’s going to be, and throwing back the covers in a panic. See Katie smash her foot into the corner of the bed because she’s blind without her glasses.

See Katie simultaneously brush her teeth with one hand and wash her face with the other. See the bathroom get soaking wet as water is thrown around EVERYWHERE. See Katie stab her eyes repeatedly trying to put in contacts. See Katie turn on hair straightener because God blessed her with curly hair while all other asians in the world got pin straight hair. See Katie apply makeup at unsafe speeds. See Katie stab the mascara into her eyeball and curse. See Katie attempt to straighten unruly hair, give up halfway through and leave the ends curly. Lazy beach waves at its finest.

See Katie change into work clothes. Actually, let’s not watch Katie do that, you perv.

See Katie think about making lunch for herself in the morning. See Katie realize that the argument and justification she had with herself the night before of not making a lunch for herself because she’d totally have time in the morning, was just a false sense of hope. See Katie grab a diet coke, yogurt, and whatever happens to be quickest to make at work, throw it into a plastic grocery bag, and run out the door. Sometimes Katie bypasses this step completely because she knows there’s nothing edible in her refrigerator.

See Katie come back in the door because she didn’t leave her car keys next to her house keys and she needs car keys to get to work. See Katie realize she’s still wearing flip flops and not acceptable work shoes, look at the time, get frustrated, and run into her closet to grab big girl shoes.

See Katie leave the house again.

Then watch as Katie has to only go 13 miles to work, but gets stuck in over an hour of traffic. Watch Katie’s gas tank slowly go from full to empty. Watch as Katie’s morale and patience slowly goes from full to empty.

End Scene.

Now, when we factor in Boyfriend into this morning ritual – sometimes there is blood. When I stay at Boyfriend’s place – he only has 1 bathroom and since he takes showers in the morning, many times I’ve heard “what are you doing in here?” through the shower curtain. I calmly explain that if I waited for him to come out of said shower to start getting ready for my day, I will be even more late than I already am. When Boyfriend stays with me, there is a significant decrease in the chance of bloodshed because I have 2 bathrooms and we can carry on our normal business.

Now, let’s add in offspring. “Sometimes there is blood” will probably turn to “there will be blood.” I don’t even know how people do it. Let’s be real here – Boyfriend and I can barely get ourselves to work on time, let alone be responsible for another human being that requires attention, food, water, and love. Oh, and probably clothes. I think it’s frowned upon if you bring a naked baby out in public.

I think in addition to my inherent lack of responsibility, I also am lazy. The thought of all the documents and forms I would have to fill out and change because of a different last name makes me nauseated. Filing taxes was relatively easy for me since I only had to care about me, myself, and I. I don’t want to have to start itemizing deductions! No, but seriously – all those name changing forms. Why. Now I understand why my mom didn’t change her maiden name. Besides, wasn’t there a study that said women who kept their maiden name end up making more money in the long run?

For those of you who like science and mathy things, here’s an interesting article. It’s longer than 1 page, but it has pretty pictures!

See? I can barely take care of myself. I can’t be accountable for someone else. So please, please, please stop asking me if I will get married anytime soon or if I’ll be having kids any time soon. I have no intentions to go down that path until I’m at least at the tail end of my twentysomething phase.

Also, I just remembered that I forgot to feed my African Dwarf Frog, Jerry.

My baby sister got her license…

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…and I am terrified.

My baby sister, whom I watched enter this world screaming, red, and covered in goop, got her license on February 25th.

[Sidenote: Yes, I was the photographer for my sister's birth. That's just the tip of the iceberg that years of therapy will never be able to fully erase. Google "How Parents Traumatize Their Children" and I'm pretty sure that's right up there with the mom dressed up as a scary clown hiding under her daughter's bed.]

I was the dainty sibling. I was the “quiet baby.” I didn’t even have a pacifier. I was always cautious. My babydolls and toys are in pristine condition and are enjoying a better life than I am in their little toy mansions and trips to Bermuda. Getting stains on my clothes, even the thought of getting stains on my clothes, physically pained me. I never gave myself bangs until I was in my twenties. I rubbed the scuffs off my shoes. The ONE time I got gum stuck in my hair made me so paranoid about chewing gum and having my hair down that until I was in high school, I always tied my hair in a ponytail when/while chewing gum. This has slowly turned into a list of my mental illness. But, the message here is that while I can be incredibly  spontaneous, I’m neat about it. Like how Boyfriend marveled at how I refused to wear a bib at Hot and Juicy while eating out of a garbage bag of crawfish and shrimp, whilst wearing a white button down, and still managed to not get a single drop on me. It’s bad enough I’m eating out of a garbage bag, I’m not going to sacrifice my dignity too. I’m a lady, dammit.

My little sister is the “injuries child.” She is also the “crash child.” She was the “loud child.” She needed that pacifier. She was the one that had such a severe round of croup when she was an infant that she ended up in the hospital. She was the one who not only gave her own bangs a trim, but trimmed her dolls’ hairs as well. She hulksmashed baby dolls, all of her toys had traces of saliva, and she was the one who ran full speed into a closed glass sliding door when we went to Bermuda. She’s had gum in her hair a countless amount of times, and she’s that girl you see with a high side pony tail wearing clashing neon orange and pink, blowing bubbles with her gum.

My little sister is also the “arguing child.” She’s the “don’t talk back to me, child.” She’s additionally the stubborn child. For example, right before she got her license, my father tells me they were on the highway and nearly got into 2 accidents – the first because she merged into a lane without looking and almost sideswiped a car. The second because she was arguing that she wasn’t close to that car, was accelerating as she was arguing, and almost smashed into the back of the car in front of her. Then, she argued that she wasn’t even going that fast, and maybe if my dad wasn’t yelling at her she wouldn’t be arguing. Why did the Virginia District of Motor Vehicles deem this menace worthy of a license?

One time I took her driving at night when the roads were still wet from the rain and I seriously contemplated throwing myself out of the car when she slowed down to about 15mph, tucking and rolling, and hoping for the best.

One time when we were in Disney World and she was practicing to drive on the abandoned roads of Fort Wilderness, she started arguing and put my car in park without coming to a full stop. As in, she threw the gear shifter into P when we were still traveling at about 15mph (once again, the speed where I calculated I would sustain only minor injuries if I jumped out).

Since I’ve been licensed I’ve never been in an accident [knock on wood] and have only ever gotten 1 speeding ticket where I was actually going only 9mph over and Maryland cops were bored. Parking tickets in DC however are a different story….

My prediction for my little sister? 2 accidents by the time she’s 18 (probably because she’s arguing) and at least 1 speeding ticket over 10mph.

I pray for her.

I think part of the reason why this is terrifying is because this is my BABY sister. Literally. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I still thought she was 13. I held her moments after she was born and was awed by how tiny and slimy something could be. I woke up numerous times in the night when she was a newborn with my parents. I taught her how to hold her bottle with one foot and one hand in that retarded way she did until she was almost 1. She’s pulled out chunks of my hair, bit my cheek so hard it looked like Hannibal Lecter almost had his way with me, vomited on me, urinated on me, and held her chunky little arms up to me while crying. She’s drawn on so many of my things, popped my water bed out of curiosity, called 9-1-1 just to see what would happen, and called everything in my closet hers. When I found out some girls were being mean to her, the way only prepubescent girls know how, I wanted to send a message to the little brats Godfather style. When she got her first love note, I wanted to know that boy’s social security number and his last 3 places of residence. I miss those slobbery kisses she would give back when she would just suck on your face and make a kissing sound as she pulled away because she didn’t quite get the hang of a kiss. I miss those chunky little arms that held onto you like a little koala. And, this is just how I, her older sister, feel so I can only imagine what my parents are going through and have been through with me.

So, I’m terrified that my baby sister got her license because I just now noticed the beautiful young woman who is taller, wittier, wilder, and more spontaneous than I could ever hope to be standing in front of me.

But seriously – get off the roads.

How I know Boyfriend is SERIOUS:

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There comes a time in every relationship where text messages go from the “20 questions to really get to know someone” stage to the “Night.” “wtf does ‘night’ mean? They’re so pissed right now. I should probably call them and actually say goodnight. Who the hell uses a period at the end of a text? That’s so final.” stage to the “Babe can you pick up eggs on your way home” stage.

Don’t worry – your sexy little texts can fall in between any of those stages. I know you were all concerned.

I went through this same transformation with Boyfriend and now our texts are literally “Eggs OTWH?” because… we are lazy.

Texting has become an art form. Literally. With Emojis. Unless you don’t have an iphone – you can only dream about all emoticon texting. I use emojis depending on the conversation/audience/situation. Sometimes texting your boss an emoji is appropriate. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you try to text back a coworker an emoji during a meeting under the table and you hit the microphone icon instead and Siri, being the little B she is, decides to go BLEEP BLOOP and time it so she goes off right when everyone is dead quiet. You win some and you lose some.

With Boyfriend, the only time he gets emojis from me is when I’m trying to emphasize how I’m feeling. So when I’m beyond exhuasted he gets the little smiley with the zzz’s. When I’m trying to be adorable he usually gets some hearts. Regardless, he knows that when he gets an emoji – it means business.

Here’s how I know Boyfriend is being serious:

“I’m not feeling well:(“

This roughly translates to: I’m probably about to experience a sickness that resembles ebola aids and you should prepare accordingly. First, the fact that I even used an emoticon which I rarely ever use should signify how dire the situation is about to become. Second, because there is no space between the ‘well’ and the :( means that I already am feeling so terribly that I can’t bother to put spaces between my words anymore. If I had any more energy to type, my text would probably look like – “I’m not feeling well:(plztakecareo” b/c I wouldn’t have the energy to type out “please take care of me, sweet girlfriend”

In my mind, this means I need to be on high alert, code red, DEFCON 1 until the drill is over. Because remember last time Boyfriend claimed he “doesn’t get sick” and almost died? (Hyperbole) BECAUSE.I.DO.

So when Boyfriend uses the least serious method known to texting – it means he’s SERIOUS.

Love me Tinder, Love me sweet

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A friend of mine showed me this app called Tinder. Then she let me play on it. It was hilarious. For those of you who don’t know what it is – it’s a super dumbed down version, but slightly less sketchy than OkCupid in that it takes your location and finds people around you and you flip through people by appearance and only if they like you back can you chat with them. Additionally, it doesn’t even let them know you liked them unless they like you back. A stalker’s delight! But the best part is that it takes “dating” to a completely superficial level. Do I like you in 4 pics or less, do we have mutual friends and interests. Since it pulls stuff from your facebook (don’t worry, it doesn’t post anything so none of your friends can see that you’re forever alone level 89) if you don’t have your interests updated or haven’t looked at them since you first got your Facebook account in 2005 it will probably consist of stuff like:

Sublime
Catcher in the Rye
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cheerleading
Britney Spears
Anything with Josh Duhamel
Everlasting Gobstoppers
Nail Polish
Lacrosse
Football
Cuticle Care
E-Network

Also, it then puts your “About You” section as your “status”. I want you to take a look back at that section. I don’t even remember what I had originally typed b/c it was so long ago and facebook has changed its layout 56.4 times since then. Mine happens to be “hi i’m katie. what’s your talent?”

So that’s its first fault. Random things you typed when you were first setting up facebook (and it was WAY more complicated than myspace) are now what people are using to judge your compatibility.

Second, it grabs 4 rando pics from your profile pics until you go in and pick different ones for yourself. So it may be a picture of a dog, or that support the cause ribbon which is what everyone else is using to judge your hotness. So if you’re not getting any matches, maybe someone’s against your cause! Or puppies! Which in my opinion, you shouldn’t be dating them anyway b/c they are probably a sociopath.

As I was flipping through the boys I learned a few things about myself and the rest of my generation:

1. If you’re 17- Nope
2. If you have a name I can’t pronounce/misspelled version of regular name/weird name- Nope
3. If you’re 45 and your profile pics are of you with your shirt off on a beach – Nope
4. If you look too much like a ‘bro’ – Nope
5. If you look like a serial killer/rapist/psychopath – Nope
6. If you have a selfie bathroom mirror shot with your shirt kinda pulled up to show off abs – Nope
7. If all 4 pics are of you and the same girl – Nope
8. If you don’t look like Josh Duhamel or a blonder version of him – Nope
9. If it’s a pic of you and some politician – Nope
10. If you are clearly FABULOUSSSSS – Nope

I’m superficial. I said it. I’ll be the first to admit it. But let me explain!

1. If you’re 17 I will be robbing the cradle and potentially facing statutory rape charges. Which is not the legacy I’d like to leave behind.

2. If you have a name I can’t pronounce/misspelled version of regular name/weird name – chances are you come with a lot of baggage that I don’t want to deal with. I don’t want to be racist here but if you have a name I can’t pronounce you are probably either 1st or 2nd generation which is 1 generation too close to the motherland. You will still have all these cultural/social obligations that you secretly hate but begrudgingly deal with because your grandma will still smack the back of your hand with a spoon if you don’t. Thanks, but I get enough spoon smacks without having to deal with TWO crazy ya-yas. If your name is a misspelled version of a common name you probably have a lot of insecurity because DAMMIT MA, WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SPELL IT BRYAN INSTEAD OF BRIEN?! PEOPLE THINK I’M FRENCH AND PRONOUNCE IT BREE-EN! If you have a weird name like Holston, for example – which I believe is a cross between Holden and Colton perhaps? and mom and dad couldn’t come up with a happy medium so they thought they were being cute by naming you that? – or Lakyn – which I believe is pronounced Lay-kin, but maybe the L is silent? I have a normal name. I have a normal nickname. If we have children, I don’t want you to name them Mnicarah, where the M is silent as in mnemonic, and it’s a cross between Nicole and Sarah.

3. If you’re 45 and shirtless, just stop. Unless you’re a really hot 45 year old who doesn’t have any teenage children, is rich, and have no gray hairs.

4. If you look too much like a bro, just stop. It’s cute when you’re in your 20′s, but when you’re 30 and still wearing jean cut offs and a bandana and you’re not in a jungle atmosphere, you look like a big D.

5. Serial killers/rapists/psychopaths. You have 4 tries to get that picture right. FOUR. But yet, you choose each picture that is creepier than the last and I don’t understand. Who could possibly look at a picture of themself with their eyes half open, hair greasy, scary looking posters in the background and think – Yes. This is the look. I will get ALL the women.

6. Bathroom mirror shot dude – 2003 called – they wan’t their myspace profile pic back.

7. Monogamous girl in pics dude – you also had four tries to get your picture right. Yet each one is with you and that same girl. Either you JUST broke up, which smells like a rebound hookup, or you’re looking to cheat.

8. I mean, if you don’t look like Josh Duhamel, why bother?

9. I understand you were REALLY excited about shaking the hand of that congressman. But please – it makes you look like you’re a brown nosing first year legislative assistant we all run into at bars who claims his contributions affected how the whole fiscal cliff fiasco played out. When since we’ve all interned with congressmen when we were in high school we know that all you do is answer the phone and say “thank you! I’ll forward your concerns onto the Congressman” and reply back to the crazies who claim the underground mole people are behind everything.

10. You, my little queen have not fully accepted that you and I perhaps do have the same interests. In men. Wanna come over and flip through Tinder with me?

“Oh my god, Katie, you can’t say that about people! You’re such a superficial B. I would totally like everyone for their personality, not because their pics make them look hot. I mean look at this guy! You can totally tell he’s a sweetheart by his eyes.” – my friend’s response to all this.

“He’s wearing sunglasses.” – my retort.

What this journey looking through the eyes of a single person has taught me is that I am SO thankful Boyfriend and I met in person and are in a relationship.

Also, I’m not sure I would have made the cut.

My lame attempt at makeup advice

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[First off, I would like to thank my parents who funded my art school tuition since I was 3 years old. I'm sorry for not really doing anything with it. I'm not sorry for the following drawings.]

Recently someone asked me for some makeup tips. I have no clue why they asked me of all people because when I’m not at work or out at night I look like a 15 year old boy. Actually sometimes even at work I don’t wear makeup and it’s super depressing when people ask if you’re tired or sick. Ugh.

Here’s tips and tricks I’ve learned 1% from makeup counters, 1% from magazines, and 98% from pure laziness:

1. Having bangs can be your saving grace.

I’m not talking about those half-grown out floppy things on the sides of your face:

photoThis particular look makes you look like you’re Mulan. When she was cross dressing.

I mean across the forehead, just above the eyes bangs. Or even side swoop bangs:

image_3

image_4

Whenever you have a bad hair day or ran out of time in the morning, just straighten/fix your bangs, throw your hair up in a ballerina bun on the top of your head and voila! NEW YORK FASHION WEEK.

2. Remember how Gwyneth Paltrow said if you don’t have any other makeup at least have some bomb ass red lipstick? 

NO. Don’t do that. Because if you ONLY have bright red lipstick on your face, you look like what I thought a dementor looked like before the Harry Potter movies came out:

image_2Obviously, this was one of the cuter Dementors.

I say MASCARA. It’s amazing how you can go from looking like you’re suffering from abdominal pains to actually looking awake.

image_1

It draws attention to your EYES which is where everyone should be looking, you animal.

3. Wear sunblock.

All year round. Because if not you’ll look like this and die.

tanning-mom-400x300

That’s pretty much it. Oh, if you’re going out in public and you haven’t put your face on and have absolutely no intention to because you’re wearing sweats and your hair’s thrown into a messy bun – take a tip from the stars – SUNGLASSES. 

299031-a-sophisticated-man-in-a-tuxedo-with-a-pair-of-goofy-oversized-sunglasses-on

Sigh

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Today I saw a 5 month old wearing Tory Burch flats. I am in hell.

Found out Boyfriend doesn’t ever read my blog, so he doesn’t know that I’m hilarious.

These pretentious little interns think they should start off as at least deputy director once they get their bachelors. That’s all well and fine – unless you’re socially retarded like they are.

I don’t exactly know what the office policy is on open toed shoes.

I almost killed my mice yesterday and had to beg them for forgiveness and rehab them with treats. Boyfriend put them in the powder room b/c they made too much noise on their wheel while we were watching a movie and since they were out of sight, they were definitely out of mind. I’m going to be the worst mother ever.

My parents sold a phone on ebay for $450 in 3 days and I can’t even manage to sell mine to Nigerians on Craigslist for $100.

I somehow managed to lose tupperware lids and now my food savers are in chaos.

I don’t know what to get Boyfriend for our anniversary b/c it’s a week before Christmas and I…suck.

I just want to take a nap. Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

 

Pros/Cons of Dating and Single Life

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We all face this dilemma. Especially now during the holidays when we naturally look for another warm body to snuggle with…[and for presents. Always presents. Kidding.] So here’s my totally biased Pros and Cons list for Dating and the Single Life.

Dating PROS:

-YOU SAVE MONEY. All of a sudden you don’t have to spend so much money because he pays for things

-YOU CAN WEAR SWEATPANTS, like all the time. You don’t have to be as dolled up all the time anymore! B/c you’ve already impressed him.

-SECURITY. You know he’s there for you whenever you need him. Even if it means you’ve ruined his sweatshirt with your mascara and wiped your nose on the sleeve.

-DISNEY MOVIE MARATHONS. You can stay in just enjoying each other’s company (see: YOU SAVE MONEY.)

-RANDOM PRESENTS! Just because!

-YOU’RE NEVER COLD because he’ll always supply a jacket, warm hand, or snuggle with you.

Dating CONS:

-FAMILY DRAMA. Sometimes you find that ONE guy that your parents have a tough time accepting and vice versa.

-FIGHTS. Because he knows exactly what to say/do that drives you absolutely crazy. But realistically, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be in a fight at all.

-SACRIFICES. Sometimes you have to give up that awesome sweater you love so much b/c he says it makes you look like a spinster. Also, sometimes he has to watch Say Yes to the Dress instead of Boardwalk Empire.

-JEALOUSY. I have never in my life been so jealous of anyone…until I started dating. Now the family dog gets the stink eye whenever they spend more time with Boyfriend than I get to. “The dog KISSED you?! HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN?!” Kidding, but kinda not really… It’s also fun to get the quadruple text of “where are you?! Who the hell is *non-gender specific name*?!”

-MONOGAMY. You’re having relations with that one person for however long your relationship is. This can also be placed under Pros. of dating.

Single Life PROS:

-CONSTANT PARTYING. You can party however you want, with whomever you want, for however long you want.

-MEETING NEW PEOPLE doesn’t cause jealousy, etc. Especially if that guy/girl is SUPER HOT.

-IMPRESS ME, or don’t! You can eat your food with your hands while watching shameful Netflix in dirty pj’s because no one’s there to judge you! You can keep your place as dirty as you want!

-YOU’RE YOUR OWN BOSS and no one can tell you what to do or where to be.

-DATES EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK because you like the hair of guy one, the eyes of guy two, the personality of guy three, the male parts of guy four, and the money of guy five.

Single Life CONS:

-YOU’RE ALONE. Let that one sink in for a minute. You don’t have the security of a relationship that someone will truly be there for you. Of course you could always call up whomever you want as a distracter, but how long does that last? [I am biased.]

-MONEY OUT THE WINDOW. You have to spend so much on how you look/partying/going out.

-DISNEY MOVIES ALONE is a cruel way to spend a Sunday.

-YOU DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BE JEALOUS. Yea, you might be going out with a bunch of guys at the same time, but if one of them was doing the same thing don’t you get that tiny little twinge of jealousy? Are you even allowed to be jealous, you little hypocrite, you…

-YOU SAY YOU’RE SINGLE to family/friends during the holiday season because when they ask you “are you seeing someone?” it’s frowned upon if you replied with the truth and said “yes, I’m seeing a few people and being super promiscuous, Grandma.”