No, I will not be getting married soon.
It’s wedding season again (has anyone noticed that wedding season is slowly turning into a 365 day season?) and the inevitable question arises of “oh you’ve been with Boyfriend for a while now..are you guys thinking about taking the next step?”
Let me tell you something. The next step for me and Boyfriend means we actually send things to get dry cleaned instead of looking at the tag a couple times, hesitantly putting it in the washer, and hoping for the best. Bonus points when we call one of the mothers for confirmation.
I know I’ve already done a post about marriage and no, it’s not because I’m bitter. It’s because I have enough self awareness to know that I would make a terrible wife and mother.
Anyone who asks me if I’ll be getting married soon should just spend a day with me. Actually, probably 3-4 hours will be enough time for them to realize that I am unsafe at any speed. I am one step above having to wear a helmet when I go outside sometimes.
For those of you who are curious, let me take you on an adventure of the first 3 hours of my average week day:
See Katie sleep. See Katie’s phone alarm go off for 10 minutes straight at the loudest volume. (To the point where neighbors have complained about said alarm). See Katie roll over and blindly smack at alarm until snooze button has been touched. See Katie go back into a coma. See Katie’s phone alarm go off again 9 minutes later and watch as the reaching blindly for phone turns into Katie cracking an eye open, realizing just how late she’s going to be, and throwing back the covers in a panic. See Katie smash her foot into the corner of the bed because she’s blind without her glasses.
See Katie simultaneously brush her teeth with one hand and wash her face with the other. See the bathroom get soaking wet as water is thrown around EVERYWHERE. See Katie stab her eyes repeatedly trying to put in contacts. See Katie turn on hair straightener because God blessed her with curly hair while all other asians in the world got pin straight hair. See Katie apply makeup at unsafe speeds. See Katie stab the mascara into her eyeball and curse. See Katie attempt to straighten unruly hair, give up halfway through and leave the ends curly. Lazy beach waves at its finest.
See Katie change into work clothes. Actually, let’s not watch Katie do that, you perv.
See Katie think about making lunch for herself in the morning. See Katie realize that the argument and justification she had with herself the night before of not making a lunch for herself because she’d totally have time in the morning, was just a false sense of hope. See Katie grab a diet coke, yogurt, and whatever happens to be quickest to make at work, throw it into a plastic grocery bag, and run out the door. Sometimes Katie bypasses this step completely because she knows there’s nothing edible in her refrigerator.
See Katie come back in the door because she didn’t leave her car keys next to her house keys and she needs car keys to get to work. See Katie realize she’s still wearing flip flops and not acceptable work shoes, look at the time, get frustrated, and run into her closet to grab big girl shoes.
See Katie leave the house again.
Then watch as Katie has to only go 13 miles to work, but gets stuck in over an hour of traffic. Watch Katie’s gas tank slowly go from full to empty. Watch as Katie’s morale and patience slowly goes from full to empty.
Now, when we factor in Boyfriend into this morning ritual – sometimes there is blood. When I stay at Boyfriend’s place – he only has 1 bathroom and since he takes showers in the morning, many times I’ve heard “what are you doing in here?” through the shower curtain. I calmly explain that if I waited for him to come out of said shower to start getting ready for my day, I will be even more late than I already am. When Boyfriend stays with me, there is a significant decrease in the chance of bloodshed because I have 2 bathrooms and we can carry on our normal business.
Now, let’s add in offspring. “Sometimes there is blood” will probably turn to “there will be blood.” I don’t even know how people do it. Let’s be real here – Boyfriend and I can barely get ourselves to work on time, let alone be responsible for another human being that requires attention, food, water, and love. Oh, and probably clothes. I think it’s frowned upon if you bring a naked baby out in public.
I think in addition to my inherent lack of responsibility, I also am lazy. The thought of all the documents and forms I would have to fill out and change because of a different last name makes me nauseated. Filing taxes was relatively easy for me since I only had to care about me, myself, and I. I don’t want to have to start itemizing deductions! No, but seriously – all those name changing forms. Why. Now I understand why my mom didn’t change her maiden name. Besides, wasn’t there a study that said women who kept their maiden name end up making more money in the long run?
For those of you who like science and mathy things, here’s an interesting article. It’s longer than 1 page, but it has pretty pictures!
See? I can barely take care of myself. I can’t be accountable for someone else. So please, please, please stop asking me if I will get married anytime soon or if I’ll be having kids any time soon. I have no intentions to go down that path until I’m at least at the tail end of my twentysomething phase.
Also, I just remembered that I forgot to feed my African Dwarf Frog, Jerry.